Seeing Myself A Year from Now: A Pool of Possibilities

Goal setting is a habit I've been trying to stick to since 2016. I started the year I own my very first journal: a souvenir I got from buying a-bundle-of-two Tresemme shampoos, and been doing it so badly for about ten years now. I find it somewhat hard for me sticking to a routine, and 'til this day I'm not really sure why. 

Since I was a little kid, I've been much a dreamer. My imaginations and dreams have always felt so real, which sometimes also branches into other fractions of how I perceive possibilities into my daily life. Sometimes the imaginations are great and enlightening, which can easily alter my mood and even encourage me to somehow "change my life" for the better. 

Being in my late 20s (omg I honestly still can't believe it) is pretty frustrating for me. I somehow vision myself to reach freedom by the latest of 35; this include goal & career-wise, financially, romantically and the list go on. Being closer to that age with no clarity about what to do and to lean on scares me. I imagine myself in Jasmine's shoes during the final scene of 1990s cartoon Aladdin, trapped in an hourglass, drowning and choking by the flowing sand. Depressing, I know. But I'm pretty sure lots of people feel the same way about their situation at some point, however old and wherever they are in life.

If there's one thing to say about my life journey, it's how fast the wheel of life turns for me, at least that's what it feels like. Couple years ago I could proudly say that I have reached some breakthrough of self-love, nowadays sometimes I again find it hard to look at myself in the mirror without thinking of changing my appearance. However, for some time I've been teaching myself to look at the bright side of things, never compare myself to others, keeping everything slow but sure at my own pace and of course to be grateful. But somehow I am perfectly sure that I am still living below my means. I'm pretty sure that I'm destined for great things and I haven't currently lived to my full potentials. But what ARE my potentials?

Looking back during my early childhood I wanted to be an archaeologist simply because what lays in the past intrigued me. Throughout middle to high school, I started facing some identity crisis. I didn't know what I want with my life but wanted to do lots of things at the same time — I wanted to be an artist despite had not been painting for so long, I wanted to volunteer in someone's farm at the other side of the world, I wanted to live frugally abroad — but in the end I decided to pursue architecture God knows why. Probably because that was the closest thing I had in mind and simply just because I got accepted on my second try and I was lazy to try anything else. 

After graduation I thought I knew what I wanted — to work in construction, solely because I don't really love sitting around all day designing buildings despite at the same time I didn't waste my degree — but four years into my working experience, moving one job into another, strangely in transitioning into different fields every time, made me unsure of that goal I set for myself five years ago.

The one thing I'm sure of is I want to do the things that make me happy; the things that make me go through my life without even thinking of getting my years wasted. I'm currently at the conscious state of knowing I DEFINITELY WILL FEEL LIKE WASTING MY LIFE sticking to this job I'm doing. Although I know I am progressively changing for the better in this state I'm currently in, I feel like I'm living in a nutshell. 

I recently travel to Europe with my family and conclude the thing people say about traveling to open your eyes is definitely true. It made me realize that a world is so much bigger and I need to expose myself to possibilities and bigger opportunities.

I start to think again about continuing my Master's Degree abroad. Couple of months ago I was pretty sure to erase that path since I guess I wanted to pursue and build my own business instead. However a thought came to mind. Around two months ago my boss asked me a question: "Where do you see yourself in this company that aligns with your motivation?", I answered with no hesitation that I wanted to be impactful to others. I wanted to make a change in society. The reason to that answer came a couple days behind another question I asked to my President Director: "How do you avoid burnout?", which she answered, "You have to find the right reason to motivate you." 

I stumbled upon an instagram ad for a Masters Degree in Development Management. I did a little research about it and there's a huge chance that it is quite the answer to my prayers. If all goes well, I will be able to give a bigger impact to the society. At least to give me a better reason to fight through life. It gives me comfort to have kind of a clear path for at least three to five years from now. However, honestly I'm pretty scared that this feeling is just some endorphins rushing through my brains because I found something new to be excited about.

We'll see, couple months from now as I will be preparing for my Master's, hopefully the fire is still there, and hopefully, please just HOPEFULLY, I'm getting closer to my destiny.

Wha

so lots of things' been goin lately

My literally first week of studying in the univ hasn't really been the first week of studying since my faculty building's not ready yet. Soooo I've had holidays here and there.

But the truth is I'm not that excited

My boyf is in his first week of orientation and therefore we haven't talked a lot

Just barely, even

And idk it makes me kinda sad

But i dont want to really talk about it bcs it will just hurt me and i dont want it to be

But yet it's so hard yaknow

I mean

Buat kayak tetep chill gitu

Idk is this just me being silly or is this bcs of my loneliness (since some of my friends went home already and stuffs)

Idk but im just……well, idk 

I am trying to kinda put me aside 

But I totally need my friends sigh

But I also don't know who to hangout with

Oh gosh lots of things are going through my head and I don't even know what to talk about

Well basically shit i am just kinda unstable rn

Maybe bcs of new environment homesick or everything damn

Rant

Since I need someone to talk to but atm I think I don't actually have anyone I wanna to talk to so here it goes.

So I am officially a freshman!

It's been like around a week and a half and tbh I'm quite excited

But there's actually one thing I'm kinda uncomfortable about

Well, I dont know why but I feel like my parents are still treating me like a child

I know it's common since I am the only child but it's making me pretty uncomfortable.

First of all, they already accompany me for the first week of my campus orientation, and I think its ok since I saw some of my friends got the same thing goin on, but they wanna accompany me for the other week even tho not the whole week but I feel like they dont trust me enough

I know I sound wrong, I know they want to give the best for me and I know I am their only child but I am not comfortable with it. I mean come on, my other friends only have a parent come along but I have two that 'follow' me like most of the time. I know I am being such a bad daughter but I am not a child anymore

I mean usually I could have my own alone time in my room afterschool, because I would be tired and need some rest and maybe I just wanna lay down in my bed scrolling through my timeline or whatsoever but not in my first week of campus, and actually i was trying to be okay with that.

I just

Argh

But I dont wanna hurt their feeling

I dont know what to do tbh

Plus the fact that my mom wants me to go home every weekend. I dont know about that but I guess not

Am I wrong for being like this argh idk

But I just need somethin to let these thoughts out so yeah

Shiiiit man now I sound like I dont appreciate what they've done to me

I do, I totally do but I just

Just

Kinda feel uncomfortable,

I mean is it a wrong thing huh to feel uncomfortable?

Fuckin unwanted

Sad

So lately I've been feeling so sad inside

I think this is about my relationship, I don't know but I think I always do wrong stuffs and it sucks. I don't know but I've been told acting too weird and it pisses him off everytime.

At first I was just quite sad because it's like he didn't pay much attention about me, then he asked what's wrong and as usual I told him nothing was, but then he started to talk about how crazy I've been lately demanding him stuffs like replying his text and also replying him back weirdly after he's gone for quite long.

I actually have no idea was that all about me being wrong but he pushes me away frequently and he just told me that he is annoyed and uncomfortable with me. I don't know why am I saying this but I was pretty sad.

My eyes are swollen already from crying tonight. I'm being such a loser tonight, so fragile and stupid. I don't know what else to do actually.

I had been acting like usual today but he kept bringing those things again and again. I don't even know if he loves me right now, I honestly am confused. And sad. And messed up.

Oh God how I love writing, it surely makes my sadness go away a little bit

Even though I'm not relieved yet

Ugh and I also suffer these kinda headaches everytime I cry and they suck so bad

Damn you society

Body and self love.

ANOTHER MAINSTREAM YET DEEP THING TO TALK ABOUT OH YEAH.

So, menurut gua, this is a very important topic di kalangan remaja sekarang ini, and I'm so damn glad I brought this kinda thing to a conversation with my parents. 

Well actually I wasn't really talking about this exclusively, in fact I was talking about how my friend's appearance has changed throughout time and BAM my mom just talked about this.

Jadi tadi gua lagi melakukan ritual biasa bareng mami dan papi sewaktu lebaran, well this is kinda weird but it's a family ritual anyway. Jadi setiap lebaran my parents pasti pergi ke restoran yang sama ini dan pesen menu yang sama: ketupat lebaran. Talking about family ritual, keluarga gua punya sebuah ritual lucu lainnya yaitu makan pizza hut setiap valentine's! How cute is that!

OKAY, BACK TO THE TALK.

Jadi sebelumnya gua sempet mikir, gua mau ikut pemilihan gadis sampul. I know this is kinda weird, tapi nggak tau kenapa, I have this strange feeling kalau ada chance gua bisa masuk, makanya lately I've been trying to change my appearance a bit, like to be slimmer and have a clearer skin, dan sedihnya so far it's not a great success.

Pertama tadi gua ngebahas how one of my friend has changed sejak dia ikut gadis sampul, maksudnya dari penampilannya itu loh keliatan, dan auranya cukup berubah gua bilang.

And my mom said, "oh, kalo itu mah pasti, cie. Kan kalo ikut pemilihan gitu-gituan pasti bakal dikasih pelatihan macem-macem juga kayak cara ngomong, cara jalan, gitu-gitu, pasti beda."

I couldn't agree more sih, then she started to talk about joining those kind of things without changing the way you are right now. 

But then I denied, I mean seriously, look around you, society's been fucked up. 

You have to do things their way to succeed.

But then mom started to be wise, dia bilang, "kenapa kamu nggak jadi diri sendiri? Kalo mau mending kamu ikut begitu tanpa ubah diri sendiri, trus liat aja, kalo misalnya belum berhasil berarti memang bukan disitu rencana Tuhan buat kamu."

And tbh, it hit me hard. So hard.

Mom also talked about how other people's opinion about you shouldn't bother you much.

It also made me think again, how I haven't been really grateful with my body, with who I am right now.

Selama ini yang gua pikirin hanya gimana caranya supaya gua bisa jadi the ideal figure everybody wants. Well, I've tried to love myself just the way I am, tapi memang gua akuin, itu butuh effort yang lebih. Dan itu susah banget banget.

I don't have enough confidence to deal with all these imperfections I have.

Tapi ya gara-gara apa yang mami bilang, gua mikir lagi, buktinya adalah adanya post ini di blog, it's a prove of my deep thinking.

So in conclusion,

Gua

Harus

Banget

Belajar

Buat

Mencintai

Diri

Sendiri.

Karna I couldn't even imagine how wonderful this world would be kalau orang-orang yang tinggal di dalamnya bisa cinta dan hormat sama dirinya sendiri. Bayangin, kalau model-model yang nantinya kita liat di majalah bukan cuma yang kurus-kurus doang, even the curvy ones or even the plump ones!

OH GOSH I SURELY NEED THAT KINDA WORLD.

A world where your weight, your face, and all your appearance that pleases only your eyes doesn't define who you really are.

Okay gosh, now I just don't know what else to say. 

I just can't think of another words.

Maybe it's because I'm watchin a film right now so I kinda lose focus.

So here it is, this post will end right here, maybe soon when I'm on the mood buat talk about topic ini lagi I will.

Let's just see.

Mainstream.

Cinta. 

Satu kata sejuta makna.

Haha #basi.

Okay.

So 

love,

What makes it so special until everyone wants it so badly?

Jadi pertanyaan itu udah ada di benak gua entah for how long and I finally got to talk about it with my friends di tengah2 kita lagi belajar matematika buat ulangan besoknya.

Dan itu random banget.

And I have to admit, jawaban yang mereka kasih cukup bikin gua mikir.

Ta: Eh guys, aku pengen tanya. Ini random sih. Tapi what makes love so special sih sampe2 kayaknya everyone wants it so badly? Maksudnya what makes it so different from other feelings in the world?

Ross: Ya beda lah ta, only love can make people feel other feelings all at once. Cuma love yang bisa bikin happy but at the same time bisa juga bikin galau and sedih. Coba kayak happiness, ya cuma hepi doang, kalo sedih ya juga cuma sedih doang kan? Cinta itu spesial, cinta itu beda.

Waktu gua denger itu

Otomatis gua senyum,

Bener juga sih apa yang dia bilang

Memang cinta itu aneh,

Bikin stres,

Bikin galau,

Tapi entah bikin happy.

Tapi entah kenapa 

Gua sendiri kurang bisa percaya kalo true love really do exist. I don't really know why. Biasa kan kalo orang gitu ada something dibaliknya kan, entah masalah keluarga, atau pernah disakitin, atau apa pun lah.

Tapi anehnya gua kayak ga percaya aja,

Masa sih kayak orang married for about 20 years like my parents, gak bosen gitu loh setiap pagi ketemu orang yang sama lagi, yang sama lagi, kayaknya gua aja kalo deket sama orang baru beberapa bulan sempet ada fase bosennya.

Atau mungkin gua belom terlalu berani buka diri lebih jadi belom bisa ngerasain? Entah.

Tapi jujur gua dulu orang yang takut banget buat jatuh cinta. Like for godness sake, my fear is indescribable.

Some people say that love is like riding a bike, to succeed doing it you don't have to be afraid to fall.

Gimana caranya coba, gua sendiri aja gak bisa naik sepeda and you know one of the reasons is because I'm pretty afraid of falling.

It all pretty makes sense then.

Gua dari dulu takut banget kalo misalnya udah jatuh, bakal susah banget untuk balik lagi.

Call me a coward, but I'm just being realistic.

Siapa sih yang misalnya habis sakit hati tetep aja bisa kuat? Maybe bisa diluar, tapi kan pasti setiap kali ada bahas soal perasaannya dia bakal breakdown lagi.

Apalagi apapun yang kalo udah nyangkut perasaan bukan main-main lagi kan.

Tapi entah kenapa

Setelah berpikir beberapa lama

Mencoba lebih buka diri dan deket sama seseorang

Dan coba buat overcome that fear of get hurt

Finally

Kayaknya akhirnya gua mulai bisa

Walau kayak kura2, pelannya setengah mati

Dan kadang masih struggle sama hati sendiri

Jadi otak sama hati kayak masih sering perang gitu.

Gua berusaha coba buat buka diri lebih lagi buat take risks and give it a shot.

Hopefully it's worth trying lah ya,

I mean, what the worst could happen if you try kan?

Karna jujur,

Walau gua sangat amat tidak percaya dengan keberadaan perasaan pencilan itu,

I wanna meet someone who finally can show me, prove it to me that I was wrong.

Well who doesn't sih?

Dan semoga, kali ini gua gak nyesel gitu aja

Karena for the very first time I'm trying to deal this feeling with my heart and brain at the same time.

Biasa suara hati selalu babay buat urusan ginian HUAHAH

meski kalo gua kasih advice tentang ini justru pake hati. kok aneh ya.

Yasudahlah.

Mari akhiri dulu sampai disini

Sebelum makin panjang lagi.

So, see ya.